My younger daughter recently had shoulder surgery – not something you plan to deal with when you’re an active 13-year-old whose sport happens to be swimming and who enjoys a full social life. Just after her surgery, I overheard a conversation she was having with her older sister who is away at college. My little one was clearly trying to stir up some sympathy from her sibling and was bemoaning the fact that she has to wear a sling for eight weeks and will then have the daunting task of trying to regain her strength to get back in the pool and swim over the course of the next six months. My older daughter dispensed these words of wisdom to combat her sister’s complaints: “Adversity is a good thing.”
This gem was spoken by the same girl who complained incessantly when her iPhone went in for repair and she had to use that “awful, ancient” Motorola Razr for three whole days: “But Mom, it’s impossible to text on this thing! And it has no Internet!” Imagine the adversity of having to use a 6-year old cell phone for three whole days!
But in all seriousness, I thought about these words of wisdom and how Daughter #1 came to the recognition that adversity can be a positive and not a negative. As it turns out, my oldest does have some valuable lessons in adversity that she can share with her sister when it comes to their chosen sport of competitive swimming. Daughter #1 has been swimming on a team since she was five years old, on a competitive, year-round club since the age of nine and is now on partial scholarship, swimming for a Division 1 college team. During her years in the pool, she had an almost comical (though, in reality, not funny – or fun – at all) number of coaching changes – particularly during her formative periods. She also witnessed all of her best friends leave the team or quit swimming entirely, and struggled through a two-year plateau where she did not see a millisecond of improvement in any of her best events. She experienced most of this during her high school years, continuing to attend nine practice per week, including three mornings where she had to rise at 4:15am, drive 15 miles to the pool and practice from 5-7 am, attend school all day, return to the pool for practice from 4-7 pm and then conquer the usual homework and chores most students have to deal with. She struggled to balance swimming, school, family and social life. She was fortunate to have a few good friends, her family and a couple of special coaches who encouraged her to stick with it and if you ask her now, she’ll tell you she is happy she did and could not imagine her life without swimming. After breaking through that time of struggle, she was recruited to one of the top college swim programs in the nation and in June, will compete at the 2012 Olympic Team Trials in Omaha, Nebraska.
While I admire her, I do tease her when she talks about conquering adversity. After all, she is not living in a war-torn country with the threat of dropping bombs all around her or living in an impoverished, third world nation where she goes hungry every night, nor does she suffer from a debilitating disease. When we speak of adversity, then, we are speaking of a very personal kind of adversity that does not even begin to compare to what some in the world unfairly struggle with every day. Nevertheless, though it is all relative, she has experienced struggles and difficulties and has come out the other end stronger and a better person.
More importantly, this issue of adversity got me thinking about what we give our children, what we do for them and whether or not it helps them, at the end of the day. As a child who was raised by a single, working parent struggling to make ends meet, I worked hard and saved to make sure that my family never had to face the same. As a child of divorce, I promised myself that when I got married, it would last, and knock on wood, here I am, married to the same guy for 26 years now and going strong. As a child who attended four different schools in sixth grade alone and was uprooted numerous times to different states, cities and neighborhoods, I made a pact with my husband that we would raise our children in the same place so they wouldn’t have to experience that upheaval. So far, so good – we’ve been in the same house for nearly 14 years and our daughters have grown up and gone to school with essentially, the same group of kids.
’m happy that my husband and I were able to provide these things for our children and I certainly don’t regret following this path. But I do have to wonder: is it really a good thing that I’ve protected my children from so much adversity? I look back at my own childhood and while there were many difficult times that I would never want to repeat, there were also important lessons learned. Having a mother who struggled financially motivated me to begin working at the ripe, old age of twelve and never stop. I was determined to work hard, have my own money and not be dependent upon anyone. It also motivated me to achieve in school so I could attend a good college and have a higher-paying career. Being the child of divorced parents taught me about relationships – what I wanted from them and more importantly, what I didn’t want. Having to move and uproot was painful, but it taught me how to adapt to new situations quickly, how to make new friends and how to adjust to new surroundings. I learned valuable coping skills that contributed to success in school and have been advantageous in the business world.
As I look back on the lessons I learned from my childhood experiences, I wonder if my husband and I have somehow done our daughters a disservice by giving them a stable, financially comfortable upbringing in which they can avoid much of the adversity I dealt with. Where will they learn the importance of hard work? How will they know the value of financial independence? Will they be able to adjust to new situations and new people? Can they handle the only constant in life – change – when it is thrust into their paths?
While I don’t know for sure, I am at least comforted that somewhere down the line, my older daughter began to view adversity as a good thing and is now trying to impart this wisdom to her sister. She may have overcome a different kind of adversity than I had to, but it’s clear that she has still learned the crucial values of hard work, persistence and perseverance. There is relief in the knowledge that she is almost at the end of her freshman year and thus far, has successfully navigated life away from home – adjusting to new surroundings, making new friends, succeeding in both the classroom and with her sport. I can only hope that the same will hold true for Daughter #2 when it’s her turn – that maybe her sister is right that the small adversity her shoulder surgery thrust upon her will result in some valuable lessons about determination, hard work and resilience.
Do you think adversity a requirement for success? How do we give our kids a comfortable life without sacrificing the lessons that can only be learned by struggling a bit?
You give up a lot of things when you settle in suburbia and start a family. The ability to make a spur-of-the-moment dinner date at a hot new restaurant in the city. Meeting friends after work for drinks. Deciding to go dancing all night at a club you’ve just read about. Taking off work to stand in line all day for tickets to a favorite band’s concert.
Oh wait – did I admit that last one out loud? Yeah, I did that. It was 1985 and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band were coming to Dodger Stadium for the “Born in the USA” tour. In those days, we’d line up in front of the Tower Records in Westwood (yes, there still WAS a Tower Records in Westwood back then) and wristbands would be dispersed. Your wristband was the key to purchasing actual concert tickets.
While I can’t say I miss the standing in line part, I do miss Tower Records, not to mention the idea of buying and listening to an entire album. But my passion and love for music has never disappeared. While I might have lived the past twenty years of my life in suburbia, I’ve never given up on music’s ability to stir the soul, to conjure up all of our hopes and dreams, the promise and the heartbreak. Music can make you feel simultaneously young and old, ecstatic and despondent, motivated and apathetic, driven to tears, to desire, to desperation. And most of all, music is the background of our lives, the way in which one song can suddenly transport us to another time and place, reminding us of who we were, who we are and who we could be.
Full disclosure: I sometimes feel that Cameron Crowe is living the perfect life. Almost Famous is my favorite movie. I don’t consider it summer unless I’ve attended at least two outdoor concerts. I probably have more songs on my iPhone than photos, contacts and emails combined.
I decided it was time for a more lighthearted post and hence, prepared this list of the top ten albums that can help you recapture your soul in the midst of suburbia. I know there’s an inherent problem with lists. Everyone’s will be different. Everyone will complain that you’ve left their favorite artist/album/song off the list. The number ten is random and limited. But I love music and I love lists and therefore, I love lists about music. So while certainly not even close to definitive, here are my picks – a short list of some amazing records that can get you through just about any dull or uninspired day. Some are old, some are new and the genres are all over the place since I like all kinds of music (save hard-core country/western – sorry, just can’t do it). Also, these are in no particular order and I’ve included some links to give you a sample of what you might expect on each album.
1) Adele’s 21:Much has been said and written about Adele and this album. She has won numerous awards and accolades, so it’s probably not a surprise to see this album on anyone’s list. But truly, 21 lives up to the hype. 21 struck a chord with teens, tweens, young adults, middle-aged men, senior women, hipsters, rappers – basically, anyone with ears. I can’t think of any other artist with such broad crossover appeal. Adele’s pure and soulful voice is just that good and the songs – an amazing amalgam of pop, jazz, R&B and rock – transcend genre. I’m thankful Adele came to popularity in the U.K. Had she been born in the U.S., I fear the music industry would have told her to lose 50lbs, pick a specific genre, and sing more “radio-pleasing pop songs.” Thank goodness she didn’t do any of these things. When I listen to her, I wonder if she can hear, herself, how truly good she is. If I were Adele, I’d probably just sit in my room and sing to myself all day.
2) U2’s Achtung Baby: Ok, let’s just all agree up front that U2 is awesome. And if you’re not willing to agree to that, just skip to #3 on the list. I think I recall that at one point in the band’s early days, lead singer, Bono, was quoted as saying that U2 wanted to be bigger than The Beatles and everyone laughed at his hubris. U2 may never quite fill those shoes, but is anyone still laughing? U2’s brilliant songwriting, impassioned performances and now-proven longevity, have put them right up there with the best. I could have picked almost any album from their catalog to put on this list (except maybe Pop — hey, every great band has to overreach sometimes when trying to be creative). But Achtung Baby stands out to me because every single song is a gem. Everyone knows the anthem, “One”, and has probably rocked out to “Mysterious Ways”, but even the lesser known “Acrobat” and “Ultraviolet”, are worthy of admiration. As complete albums go, this one is flawlessly executed with masterful songwriting, soulful vocals and the perfection that comes when a group of musicians know who they are and love making music together.
3) Dave Matthews Band’s Crash: You either love Dave Matthews or hate him and if you love him, you love him passionately. I’ve never met anyone who said they were “sort of” a DMB fan, or that they “kinda like” Dave Matthews. There is no in-between and Dave is on the list because, well, I love him. It’s ok, my husband knows about my somewhat obsessive fandom and has also become a DMB fan. So do both of my kids who I’ve somehow, miraculously and possibly through continual over-exposure to DMB music, converted into Dave fans, as well. To be completely honest, both the Under the Table and Dreaming and Big Whisky and the GrooGrux King albums are probably better overall records than Crash. But the title song was the first Dave song I ever heard and began my 10+ year love affair with this band, my very favorite Dave song, “#41” is on this album and my husband’s favorite song, “Two Step”, is also on this album (yes, he has a favorite song – I’ve converted him!). So, in short, there was no way this album wasn’t going to make my list. It’s true that you probably need to see DMB live to truly appreciate them, but give this album a listen and you might see why it’s one of my picks for lifting you out of the doldrums.
4) Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ Damn The Torpedoes: This album instantly grabs you with the opening chords of “Refugee” and never let’s you go. It’s one of those albums I will never grow tired of hearing, one that always brings me back to exactly where I was when I first heard it and one that will always remind me of some supremely good and equally bad times. My personal favorite track is “Even the Losers” and I fondly remember singing (loudly and badly) to it, on many a night with my college roommates, feeling like Tom Petty must have written it just for me. Tom Petty put it all out there in every song and made you feel that he knew just what you were going through. Petty has always been a quintessential California artist, even though he rarely gets mentioned in those California-specific music lists. There’s the ode to “Century City” on Damn the Torpedoes, and I’ll never forget hearing the plaintive opening chords of “Free Fallin’“(though not on this album) when I was living in Dallas for one, long, miserable year and feeling so homesick for Los Angeles and “all the vampires, livin’ in the Valley”, that I could cry. If you have no history with Tom Petty and this album, I can’t guarantee you’ll feel the same way, but I bet you’ll like it, just the same.
5) The Beatles’ Abbey Road: The Beatles are revered the world over and are certainly not a surprise on anyone’s list of best, greatest, favorite, etc…. I could have easily chosen Sgt Pepper because it’s the album I most associate with my childhood, having heard it on constant repeat in my house for years – not to mention, Rolling Stone chose Sgt Pepper as #1 on its 500 Greatest Albums of All Time list. I could have picked Revolver or The White Album which some think were more creative and boundary-pushing. But at the end of the day, I love Abbey Road the best – and not just for the iconic album cover. It’s just a perfect mix of the genius of Lennon (“Come Together”), the beauty of Harrison (“Something” and “Here Comes the Sun” – perhaps, my favorite Beatles song of all time), the signature sound of Sir Paul (“Oh! Darling”) and yes, even the quirky contributions of Ringo (“Octopus’ Garden”). And how can you dislike an album that ends with this simple and beautiful adage: “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love…you make”. It’s sheer Beatle brilliance, reminding you why no one comes close to The Beatles’ singular place in music history.
6) Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band’s Born to Run: As with U2 and The Beatles, it’s pretty tough to choose just one Springsteen album, but if I had to recommend one to someone who had been living in a cave and had never heard of Bruce Springsteen, this would be it. First off, it contains “Thunder Road”, a song that has caused some to call Springsteen the Shakespeare of rock music. Rolling Stone listed Thunder Road as #86 on its 500 Greatest Songs of All Time and it’s no wonder – you don’t have to be New Jersey born and bred to relate to Springsteen’s desire to “trade in these wings for some wheels.” It’s a universal song of youth, the desire to escape the everyday, the feeling that something waits for you beyond your front doorstep, if you can just get out. If Thunder Road has never spoken to you, you should probably check your pulse…just sayin’. Beyond that, there is, of course, the title track, which is quintessential Springsteen, “Tenth Avenue Freeze-out”, which is guaranteed to make you miss Mr. Clemons, and the superb, nine minute plus “Jungleland”. All I can say is…BRUUUUUUCE!
7) Green Day‘s American Idiot: In making a list about lifting one out of suburbia, one must consider an album that contains a song called “Jesus of Suburbia”, right? Beyond that, I told my husband that I think American Idiot is the “definitive rock opera” made by a band that had a grandiose idea that actually paid off. When I said this, he raised his eyebrows and reminded me of all the great rock operas that came before like The Who’s Tommy and Quadrophenia, Pink Floyd’s The Wall and many more. Yeah, he’s right. I overstated the case. However, I put this album on when I want to be reminded of the punk spirit that lives somewhere inside all of us and how a band can take an idea and create a whole series of moving songs, one flowing into the other, that tell a story. I also love that everyone had written these guys off as punk wannabes who made trivial songs about apathy…until this. I recently saw American Idiot, the musical based on the album and while it didn’t quite live up to the expectations I had, the actual music still stood out as a testament to this band’s creativity and raw talent. The progression on side one of “Jesus of Suburbia” into “Holiday” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” is epic and moving. If you still need another reason to listen, how about because, quite simply, it totally rocks.
8) Coldplay’s Mylo Zyloto: Coldplay has yet to prove they have the longevity of U2, despite the comparisons they made to their Irish counterparts early on. But they are establishing an impressive body of work that is bringing them closer to the mark. While previous albums like A Rush of Blood to the Head contained some of their best songs like “The Scientist” and “Clocks”, their newest album, Mylo Zyloto, is my favorite and the one that I listen to all the way through, almost every time I start it. The joyful opening chords of the title track and world-music vibe of “Hurts Like Heaven” are guaranteed to make you smile and “Paradise” is a brilliant mix of layered choral vocals and booming guitar and synth sounds. I’m seeing them live in May at the Hollywood Bowl and I cannot wait. Maybe Rihanna will make a guest appearance for their collaboration on “Princess of China”, a dark and powerful ballad about break-ups. A girl can hope!
9) Elton John: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road was the first album I ever bought with my own money. I will never forget taking the bus to the mall, walking into the Wherehouse and handing over my hard-earned babysitting money for the plastic-wrapped, colorful, animated package that was this double album. I went straight home, closed the door to my room, put that record on and probably didn’t stop playing it for the next two weeks. I poured over the lyrics and the album artwork – always a revelation with an Elton album – and learned every word to every song. But I have to believe that even if this album didn’t hold that special place in my own personal memory, it would still be on the list – a wild combination of beautifully executed tunes – each one a story, each one different than the one before. From the creepy-sad opening of “Funeral for a Friend” to the futuristic sounding beats of “Bennie and the Jets”, this album was never dull, always offering something new every time you listened to it. I bow to you Sir Elton.
10) Bob Marley‘s Legend: While I typically think it’s a cop-out to put a greatest hits compilation on any kind of best/greatest/favorite albums list, I will make an exception for Legend (and I’m not alone – Rolling Stone ranked it #46 on the 500 Greatest Album list). It is not summer for me until I hear the reggae sounds of “Jamming” escaping from our stereo, no matter what the calendar says, how much sunshine is filtering through the blinds or how many margaritas I’ve had. This album equals summer for me, although, clearly, Marley had a bit more in mind than a lazy, mellow summer day when he wrote these songs. Despite the deceptively cool reggae beat, Marley certainly had more important things to communicate when he wrote “Buffalo Soldier”, “Get Up Stand Up” and “No Woman, No Cry”. That’s probably the genius of Marley – that he could trick you into listening about revolution and social injustice by infusing it with Jamaican spirituality and a laid-back vibe. Plus “Redemption Song”, with the plea to “emancipate yourself from mental slavery” is one of the best songs ever written, IMHO.
So that’s ten and it was mighty hard to come by. I guess I have to qualify this with a list of honorable mentions, albums I also love dearly that didn’t, but could have easily, made the list: Peter Gabriel’s So, Steely Dan’s Aja, The Police’s Sychronicity, Sting’s Dream of the Blue Turtles, Eminem’s Recovery, Counting Crows’ August & Everything, Louis Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World, Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, Carol King’s Tapestry, Van Halen’s, Van Halen, Billy Joel’s The Stranger, The Eagle’s Hotel California, Coldplay’s A Rush of Blood to the Head, Alicia Keys’ Songs in A Minor, Queen’s The Game, Aerosmith’s Get Your Wings, The Clash’s London Calling, Nirvana’s Nevermind, REM’s Out of Time, James Taylor’s Greatest Hits, The Killers’ Hot Fuss, Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Stadium Arcadium, Led Zeppelin’s Physical Graffiti and In Through the Out Door and nearly every album ever made by The Beatles, U2 and one of the most obvious omissions, The Rolling Stones. And lest anyone ask why Bob Dylan is not on the list, ok, here’s the thing – as lyrics go, Dylan is a brilliant poet. But I have just never been able to listen to that voice for the course of an entire album. Sorry. I know. I’m a heathen.
Alright, open the floodgates for comments. I know all you folks out there have opinions on this one – and I want to hear them! Which choices do you love or hate? What did I leave out that one must own and listen to when stuck in suburbia?
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m pretty opinionated. I have no problem sharing my views with anyone who asks (and, admittedly, sometimes with those who don’t ask). I have a healthy respect for the freedom of speech we all have as Americans which allows me to state my opinions freely and without fear of retribution, and I absolutely believe in the right of others to do the same, even when their views differ from mine. But as I found out in my lovely suburban enclave this past week, the unprecedented partisanship and pettiness in this country is threatening our ability to enjoy that freedom of speech without fear of someone trying to take it away.
I was walking with a friend the other day and she asked me what bumper stickers I had on my car and if I’d noticed any of them missing. I told her that one of our cars has three stickers – one promoting clean energy initiatives, the now-ubiquitous suburban sticker “My child is an honor roll student at INSERT YOUR SCHOOL” and an Obama 2012 sticker. I told her I certainly hadn’t noticed that any of them were missing and asked why. Apparently she was on a walk with her daughter in our neighborhood a few days ago and witnessed a man, late forties or early fifties, walking ahead of them, stop at our driveway, look at our car and then take something off of the car. My friend’s daughter stopped in her tracks and said, “Mom, it looks like that guy is doing something to the Hultin’s car!” My friend wasn’t sure what was happening, but the man was at least ten feet ahead and by the time they reached my driveway, he was gone and she wasn’t sure what he had or had not taken.
I told her I would check my car after I got home from our walk. Sure enough, the Obama 2012 sticker was missing.
Now, I realize that stealing a bumper sticker from someone’s car is not equal to stealing their actual car or a valuable piece of jewelry or robbing their home. But, in fact, I felt the same way and possibly worse; I felt completely violated. Someone trespassed on my property, touched my car and stole something from me. The bumper sticker? We’ve already replaced it. What this bully really stole was my right to freedom of speech and the right of every American to have that freedom upheld and respected.
Personally, I cringe when I see someone with an old Bush/Cheney sticker on their car, or a McCain/Palin sign. But I would fight for that person’s right to post that sticker or sign and state their opinion freely and without fear. I hate to be cliché, but seriously: what is this country coming to? I can’t have a bumper sticker on my car, in my own driveway, on my own property, without a neighbor walking by and ripping it off?
For the person who committed the crime (and again, making me feel unsafe and violated for expressing my opinion is the bigger violation here), I have a small bit of sympathy. I’m guessing this guy is too insecure in his own thoughts to have others freely express their opinions around him, too full of hatred and intolerance to uphold the freedoms we enjoy in America and at the end of the day, a good-old fashioned bully – the kind that I teach my children never to be and never to interact with. Mr. Bully, I’ll just put another sticker on the car and every time thereafter that you decide to remove it and just remember – by removing it, you are not removing my right to my opinion and you’re not changing my opinion – in fact, if anything, you’ve probably made me even more steadfast and stubborn in my support for President Obama, given the way in which you’ve chosen to represent the other side.
I hate to think what this kind of incident says about my neighbors, my city, my state, and my country, but at the end of the day, I will keep expressing my opinion and keep teaching my kids to do the same – after all, upholding freedom in the face of bullies is really what our country is all about.
How many times have you heard your child utter the words “no fair”? We’ve all likely uttered the phrase a few times in our own adult lives, but there’s nothing like your child looking up at you with wide, innocent eyes and calling something unfair to make you wonder just how you can explain the concept for his or her young mind. Do you simply say, “Well, life’s not fair” or do you try to differentiate between truly unjust situations and the sometimes, natural human feeling that we need to assign blame to someone or something when things don’t go exactly our way?
The concept of fairness is interesting because it seems to mean slightly different things to different people. From a strictly semantics point of view, the dictionary defines the word fair as “free from bias, dishonesty or injustice”. Given that definition, it seems that fairness is like that old courtroom argument about obscenity: “I’ll know it when I see it.” In terms of teaching kids about fairness, I think most parents want their children to behave in a just and unbiased way, while expecting the same treatment from others. On the other hand, it makes sense to prepare them for the injustices they will surely encounter in their lives.
Fairness is a concept that is also being hotly debated in our country right now in regard to the income gap, taxes and the Occupy Wall Street movement. On one side of the debate, protesters decry the fact that 1% of the country is controlling the majority of wealth and therefore, has the most influence in elections, that by defining corporations as “people”, the Supreme Court allowed unprecedented amounts of anonymous dollars to be funneled into the political process and that Wall Street is responsible for much of the country’s economic woes. On the other side, the argument is that much of this is normal in a capitalistic, free market society, that one must only work hard to reap financial benefits and that the protesters are just jealous of those who have been successful. Ok, I admit that I may have simplified the arguments a bit, but in general, I think it points to the need to differentiate between true injustice and a feeling that if things don’t go your way, there must be someone or something to blame.
So how do we tell the difference? Following the “I’ll know when I see it” concept, I came up with a few examples that I think illustrate the difference between unfairness and “whining”. Only one of these is political; the rest will likely be relatable to any suburban parent.
1) The fact that Mitt Romney made lots and lots of money over the years is fair (although, the ways in which Bain Capital helped him make that money, may not have been). The fact that he only paid 13.9% in taxes last year, while Americans who make far, far less than he does paid much more is patently unfair. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that our current system, which allows these tax loopholes to exist is both unfair and obscene (I know both unfairness AND obscenity when I see them!). If it’s true that in America, anyone who works hard can achieve, then why do hard-working people, putting in 5 days per week, 8 hours per day or more at jobs that pay less than $50K per year pay more tax than a multi-millionaire and struggle to make ends meet? Not fair.
2) If a teacher assigns a school project and clearly states that it must be neat, well-formatted and creative, in addition to having satisfactory content, then assigns a lower-than desired grade because the project is messy, hard to read or clearly demonstrates a lack of effort, that’s fair. If the teacher (assuming that this is any class other than art) assigns a lower-than desired grade because the project was not professionally (i.e. required $$ to be spent) printed and bound, artistically brilliant and showed obvious evidence of parental involvement, that’s not fair. We all know the parents who work more on the look and feel of their children’s school projects than the kids do, and a higher grade should never be assigned because some parent forked up the money to go to Kinkos or spent 40 hours helping their kid cut, paint and decorate.
3) It’s perfectly fair that celebrities who have aged well go on TV to talk about their exercise and eating regimens and how these things have helped them stay young. It’s totally unfair for celebrities who have been constantly airbrushed and cosmetically enhanced to go on TV and talk about how well they have aged, without acknowledging the helpful and expensive tools that made it possible.
4) It’s perfectly fair for a youth soccer team to beat another youth soccer team by a score of 10-0. Hopefully, the winning team, after reaching, let’s say five goals, has the sportsmanship to move their players around, let defenders play offense, etc… in an attempt not to “cream” or humiliate the other team. What’s not fair is when overly competitive coach-parents rig the system so they can stack a team, thereby creating a situation in which every game played has a similar outcome. I know that AYSO and all of those other youth sports organizations have systems in place so this doesn’t happen, but somehow, it always does.
Those are just a few examples but of course, there are a million more. And let’s be real: most of these, save the first example, are not devastating. The truly senseless injustice that abounds in the world is even more difficult to explain to our kids – why some children suffer from absolute poverty while others have so much, why some are born into war-torn countries where they will never know a feeling of safety, while others live in peace. These are the hardest to talk to your kids about because there is just no explanation for why some children in the world are orphaned, why some are destined to be child soldiers for an African warlord, why natural disasters or school shootings or so many other terrible things happen to innocent people.
What unfair situations make you tear your hair out? And how do you explain them to your kids? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
My oldest daughter recently turned 19 and is about to conclude her freshman year of college. I have many feelings associated with this milestone – excitement for her experiences, pride in what she has accomplished, sadness at how quickly the years have passed. And of course, there’s that recognition that if she’s now an adult, I’m beyond adulthood. Yes, I’m, by the standards I set myself as a 19-year old, OLD. They say that 50 is the new 30. I’ll let you know how I really feel about that later this year, but in the meantime, let me just say that nothing makes you feel older in some ways than having a college freshman. You think it was just yesterday that you were living in the dorms, going to frat parties and rushing from class to class on a campus where it seemed the possibilities for your life were endless. But then you realize, ummm…that was actually a really long time ago.
Complicating the normal feelings that come with the aging process is our society’s continual worship of all things youthful and the ongoing pursuit of a magic elixir that will deliver us from old age. While the concept of a fountain of youth is not new, it’s only in modern society – and primarily in the United States – where one finds such an obsession with staying young. This pursuit of continual youth is what sociologists would call a “First-World Problem”, given it can only occur among wealthy communities, where the worries of putting food on the table and keeping a roof over your head have been removed.
I think about this often in my little suburban world where it seems that Botox injections and breast implants are as commonplace as the common cold and where moms frequently wear the same outfits as their teenage daughters. What does it say about our society when people – mostly women, but increasingly (in Hollywood anyway), men – will spend thousands of dollars and put themselves through multiple, elective surgeries to chase eternal youth?
A few years ago, on a summer trip to Sweden to visit my husband’s family, we went to a local, community pool so my now-nineteen year old could get in a swim workout. In the locker rooms, my two girls’ eyes were wide as saucers. They could not understand how every Swedish woman in the locker room – regardless of height, weight and most of all age – could walk around stark naked so comfortably and without the slightest trace of self-consciousness. Having been raised in the modest (some might say repressed) US of A, I could not fully explain it either, except to tell my girls that 1) Swedes are much less hung up on nudity than we are (as one example, Swedish television is much more concerned with keeping violence off the screen than nudity and sex), and 2) Swedes, and the rest of the world, from my experience, are much more accepting of differences in body shapes and sizes as well as the aging process, and are much less focused on youth and beauty than we are in this country. Interestingly and despite all of this, Sweden seems to have a very high proportion of beautiful people, who age remarkably well.
The point is, my girls were used to seeing people all around them who fear the aging process and who will do anything to try to keep it at bay. They are used to having the airbrushed images of fashion magazines and the nipped and tucked celebrities of television, movies and theater all around them. And even in their own neighborhoods, they are used to seeing moms who fight the process daily with creams, treatments and injections, gym trips and diets, clothing from the junior department and yes, surgical procedures. Given these role models, it made me wonder, what messages were my girls hearing about what should be the very natural, and let’s face it –inevitable — process of aging?
I want to be clear that I am certainly not immune to vanity. It’s hard to look in the mirror and see skin that suddenly sags where once it was firm and lines appearing on a forehead that was once smooth, not to mention those joints that creak and pop when I get out of bed in the morning. There’s definitely a reason I still wear bangs and buy more expensive bras. And I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t take care of yourself through healthy eating and exercise nor do I think it’s wrong to want to look attractive by wearing nice clothing, taking care of your skin, getting your hair done and using a little make-up. But it seems to me, you have to draw the line somewhere because no one – no matter what they do – is immune to growing old. And by showing that we view the aging process as “bad” we’re sending a clear message to our kids to fight it– no matter how costly, how time-consuming, how risky or how ridiculous they may look. I say this also on the eve of my younger daughter going in for surgery and as I worry over the risks of anesthesia and the inevitable pain, I can’t help but wonder why anyone would put themselves through this by choice.
I was saddened to read the other day that one of my favorite actresses, Susan Sarandon, admitted to having plastic surgery. . I realize in Hollywood, it must be hard to compete for great, female roles and the pressure to look young is intense. But I’d hoped that she’d hold out and continue sending the message that aging is ok, that her acting talents are more important than her image and that young girls should have strong, capable women who don’t run from life’s inevitable course as their role models. I realize Susan is no Joan Rivers – yet. But I think of plastic surgery as akin to remodeling a house. When you redo one room, the others look tired and run-down by comparison. So you do one more. But you can’t stop there, because the rest of the house doesn’t look as good as those brand-spanking new parts, right? Next thing you know, you’ve re-done everything. Where does it stop? When you’re spending loads of time and money, and undergoing surgery that can put you at risk, just to prevent yourself from looking older or aging, you have to ask why and what message you’re sending. And if you’re a Mom, you have to wonder what you’re communicating to your kids about your priorities in life and how they should view themselves as they age.
The irony in all of this is that neither Susan Sarandon nor Joan Rivers has succeeded in hiding their age or stopping the aging process – and neither can you or I. The other day I was in the grocery store and saw what I thought was an attractive twenty-something ahead of me, pushing a grocery cart. She had long, flowing blond hair, a tall, lithe body and she was wearing leopard-print leggings, a close fitted tee, a short denim jacket and sky-high heels. She stopped to grab a box of cereal off the shelf and I almost dropped my own groceries. This was no twenty-something; the woman had to be in her sixties which, despite the collagen lips, very obviously, face-lifted skin and fake breasts, to boot, was quite obvious. I suddenly realized the hair was fake (extensions), the body was courtesy of lipo plus lots of gym time and she’d clearly raided a middle schooler’s closet for her wardrobe. She looked ridiculous. An aging woman chasing dreams of being 19 again.
At the end of the day, you can get new breasts, lift your eyes, pump collagen into your lips and smooth out your wrinkles with Botox. You can wear your teenage daughter’s trendy clothes. But no one will think you’re 19, you still won’t be 19, and you never will be again. I think that the sooner we can all face that fact and quit fighting it, the less “old” we’ll feel next to those actual 19 year-olds. And perhaps we’ll finally deserve the adage that with age, comes wisdom.
As a popular post that has been making its way around Facebook proclaims, being a Mom means giving up many things, but it’s one of the most rewarding jobs you could ever have. When your children are small, it’s about giving up things like sleep, spontaneity and spending more than five minutes in the shower. In their teenage years it can mean giving up your ability to relax until you hear the car pull into the garage and when your kids are ready for college, it might mean giving up your retirement plans just to fund their tuition.
But there’s one thing you should never give up: yourself.
In a recent study of 1,300 moms, the American Psychological Association (APA) found that moms who work – either part-time or full-time – are healthier and happier. Now, I’m not about to fight the battle of working mom vs stay-at-home mom, as I truly believe that each family has to decide what works best for them, and certainly, I’ve known working moms who are miserable and stay-at-home moms who are very happy. But I think the study makes an important point about maintaining balance and a sense of self- something that working moms may find easier to do. It’s no surprise that the happiest stay-at-home moms I know are those who have something going on outside the home that is just for them whether it’s a hobby, a volunteer position or a pursuit of higher education. These moms almost always have good relationships with supportive spouses who share the parenting responsibilities, as well.
I don’t think there’s a mom out there who would argue with the idea that being a mom is their most important job. That said, as the APA study underscores, there’s a great danger in allowing your life to revolve solely around your kids. And it turns out, this lifestyle is not only bad for you, but it wreaks havoc on your little ones, too. A recent article in the Huffington Post examined parents who are overly involved in their children’s lives and can’t let go – the so-called “helicopter” parents. Many moms think they are being great parents by doing everything for their kids and shielding them from the harsh realities of the world. While we all want to protect our children from truly bad situations, it turns out that if we shelter them from making mistakes and facing consequences, they will be ill-equipped to handle college life, job interviews and the day-to-day responsibilities of living on their own in our big, complex world.
So how do you determine if you’re sliding down this slippery slope of focusing so much on your kids that you lose yourself in the process? I thought of a few questions that might be helpful…
1) Who was I before I had kids and who will I be when they are gone? If you’re a working mom, you probably have an easier time with this question, as your daily life, by necessity, includes non-child related activities and your job is probably an important part of your identity. There are plenty of stay-at-home moms who have successfully answered this question, too, finding a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction through volunteer work, classes to further their education or through hobbies that give them that important sense of self-accomplishment. If you don’t have any of these things in your life and find that all you can think about and talk about are your kids, ask yourself: who was I before carpools, homework and diaper changes took over my life? Were you an avid reader? A passionate chef? A cyclist? A theater-goer? You need to revisit the things that made you, YOU. After all, our most important job as parents is, ultimately, to transform our little jewels into successfully independent adults. And this depends on you letting them go — a task that will be much easier if there’s still a YOU left when they’re gone.
In addition, part of who you were pre-kids was probably a spouse or significant other and hopefully, it still is. But there are countless stories of marriages that end right after the last child moves out. Why? Because when your life revolves solely around your children, there’s no room for your relationship with your partner. Letting your relationship languish while the kids are still around means it will be difficult to pick up the pieces once they are gone. So make sure that the part of you that is separate from your mommy identity spends time with that other person who lives in your household.
2) Are you confusing your kids’ accomplishments with your own? Social media has made it easy for the parents who live vicariously through their children to show their true colors. Facebook posts like “Johnny got straight As again!” or even worse, “WE got straight As again!” are the obvious red flags.
Now before you yell at me, I know, I know…it’s natural for us to take pleasure and satisfaction in our children’s accomplishments (and sorrow in their defeat) – that’s part of the joy (and grief) of parenting. And it’s natural to want to brag a little when your kids accomplish truly great things – I am as guilty as anyone on that count. But if you find you’re touting only your children’s activities and accomplishments as if they were your own and have nothing to say that begins with the word “I”, it’s time to ask yourself what you’ve accomplished lately that didn’t involve your child.
3) If you’re a Mom, you’re a role model…but what are you modeling? In a previous post, I talked about the problem with the “do as I say, not as I do” mentality and why, if you want your kids to exercise for example, you need to show them that it’s important to you, too, by letting them see you sweat occasionally. Similarly, as your child’s primary role model, day in and day out, shouldn’t you consider what behaviors you are modeling that will help your child become an interesting, successful and independent adult? Do you have a variety of interests outside of what your kids do everyday? Do they see you working, reading, attending classes, volunteering, voting, supporting causes, being interested in the world at large? Do they see you going out with friends and most of all, your significant other, thereby modeling what good relationships look like? It’s pretty clear that what we parents view as important has a profound impact on what our children view as important. If you have no interests outside of your children, what are you modeling for them?
4) If you do it all, how will they learn to do it for themselves? Having a laser focus on your kids can become a problem for them, as well as you. Let’s say your child is in 6th grade and you still wake her up every morning, pick out her clothes for her, make her breakfast, pack her lunch and check her backpack to be sure she has everything she needs. Let’s say she calls from school to tell you she has forgotten an English paper and you rush over to deliver it, lest she face the teacher’s wrath or have points taken off for a late assignment. And let’s imagine that after school, when you’ve questioned her about her day, checked through her backpack to see what she has for homework and then taken her back and forth to dance or soccer or whatever her activity of choice may be, you spend the evening researching summer camps, and emailing her teachers and coaches to find out how she’s doing.
While this case study is fictional, I’m certain it’s not too far off of some real-life examples. The point is when you look at this day, you can see there is no YOU in it. More importantly, there is no opportunity for your child to learn, take responsibility and yes, fail, because after all, making mistakes in life is how we learn.
I wouldn’t give up being a mom for anything and I know I’m not alone in that feeling. But I love that it’s one of many hats I wear and that my kids know that I’m also a spouse, a friend, a reader, a writer, a marketing consultant, a student and many more things. To me, one of the greatest joys of parenthood is watching my own kids try on different hats as they evolve into independent adults with their own complex and many-faceted identities. I sure hope that if and when they become moms themselves and realize the sacrifices required, they’ll be sure not to sacrifice the one thing they shouldn’t – themselves.
I know, I can hear you sighing and see the rolling of your eyes already. If you’re the parent of a child who falls into the Young Adult novel demographic, you’re already tired of hearing about the latest blockbuster trilogy premiering this week in a theater near you. Hell, you’re probably recovering right now, giant cup of coffee in hand, promising yourself you’ll never give in to your child’s pleading to attend a midnight premier ever again.
If you don’t have a child of a certain age in your household, you’re wondering what the hype is all about and why you should care.
So, I’m here to tell you why: because The Hunger Games is a great story. Fans of War and Peace and The Corrections (I can see Franzen cringing at the notion of Suzanne Collins’ books sitting next to his on Oprah’s bookshelf) alike: I’m talking to you, too. This is a damn good story.
Let me add that I also enjoyed all four Twilight books. You do not need to be a “young adult” to enjoy good YA fiction. And if you’re a parent whose children enjoyed these books, you have even more compelling reasons to pick them up yourself.
Here’s why you – and by you, I include PhDs in English literature, along with fans of People Magazine – should read The Hunger Games:
1) Everyone loves a good story. As Lisa Cron, author of the forthcoming Wired for Story: The Writer’s Guide to Using Brain Science to Hook Readers From the Very First Sentence explains so articulately in her recent NY Times op ed, it’s not the “exquisite sentences and breathtaking images” that grab us when we read a novel, but “a sense of urgency and the desire to know what happens next”. It’s the story itself that hooks us, no matter how beautifully written or how advanced the vocabulary. I dare you to read the first page of The Hunger Games and not want to keep going.
2) Connect with your kids and be a role model. We all want our kids to read, right? The best way to encourage your kids to read is to be a role model for reading yourself. I think we can all agree that the old “Do as I say, not as I do” isn’t a stellar parenting strategy. Doctors will tell you that if you want your kids to eat right and exercise, you have to put down the potato chips and get off the couch yourself. Let your kids see you reading and they’ll know it’s a priority for you, something you value and deem important. I would go one step further and say that it’s even better when you take an interest in what they’re reading and can discuss it with them. So if they’re devouring The Hunger Games series, maybe you should take a look, too, and see what all the fuss is about.
3) Tackle important issues in a context kids can understand. The great thing about YA fiction is that the best of it can present important social and cultural topics in a way that kids find interesting and can relate to. It also gives parents a perfect opening to discuss important topics. The Hunger Games presents a dystopian world in which a big brother-like Capitol pits young “tributes” from districts of differing socio-economic levels against each other in a widely hyped and televised fight to the death. This fictional world raises so many relevant real-world issues from personal liberties to war and violence, from hunger and poverty to the role of the media and “image-making” in our lives. Furthermore, the hero of The Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen, is a young female. In a political realm where women’s rights are being increasingly threatened and young girls have to sift through a pop culture wasteland of Jersey Shore and The Kardashians, to seek real female role models, a heroine like Katniss is a welcome figure.
So tonight, I’ll be braving the crowds at our local theater with my 13-year old daughter and her friend and I’m honestly not sure who is more excited to see how Collins’ vision is translated to the big screen. Either way, I know we’ll have much to talk about on the car ride home.
Welcome to Suburban Dirt, a blog about the trials, tribulations and perspectives of a working mom in suburbia. With this blog, I hope to share my unique views on a number of topics including the challenges of parenting in today’s modern, suburban world.
I’m a PR/marketing professional by trade, a writer and mother of two teen-aged girls, 19 and nearly 14. Though born and raised here in the U.S., I’ve been married to a Swede for more than 25 years and therefore, have developed a love of green marzipan frosting, Akvavit and free healthcare (although still not an Abba fan).
My day job for the past 20 years has involved developing corporate communications programs for technology companies like Cisco, IBM, Boeing and start-ups too numerous to count. I like my day job and it certainly pays the bills — not to mention, keeps me up-to-date on the latest technological innovations – a very important factor in parenting today’s tech savvy kids. That said, my true passions are fiction writing, literature and music. I was also a fitness instructor for 20+ years and if my poor, aging hips and back had cooperated, I might still be barking orders from a step or spin bike. Instead, I placate myself with weekly Pilates sessions and walking around my beautiful, Southern California suburb with our German Shepard puppy.
I’m a fan of college sports (UCLA and anyone playing USC), swimming (sport of choice for my girls), The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, movies and Dave Matthews Band concerts, and I’m a bit of a political junkie. So fair warning that all these topics and more may arise in my blog posts from time to time. I’m also a published short story author and an aspiring novelist, so this blog is definitely another outlet for a mind that has a bit more creativity than can be expressed in a standard product press release.
I hope you enjoy my perspectives, musings and, yes, occasional rants.
My younger daughter recently had shoulder surgery – not something you plan to deal with when you’re an active 13-year-old whose sport happens to be swimming and who enjoys a full social life. Just after her surgery, I overheard a conversation she was having with her older sister who is away at college. My little one was clearly trying to stir up some sympathy from her sibling and was bemoaning the fact that she has to wear a sling for eight weeks and will then have the daunting task of trying to regain her strength to get back in the pool and swim over the course of the next six months. My older daughter dispensed these words of wisdom to combat her sister’s complaints: “Adversity is a good thing.”
This gem was spoken by the same girl who complained incessantly when her iPhone went in for repair and she had to use that “awful, ancient” Motorola Razr for three whole days: “But Mom, it’s impossible to text on this thing! And it has no Internet!” Imagine the adversity of having to use a 6-year old cell phone for three whole days!
’m happy that my husband and I were able to provide these things for our children and I certainly don’t regret following this path. But I do have to wonder: is it really a good thing that I’ve protected my children from so much adversity? I look back at my own childhood and while there were many difficult times that I would never want to repeat, there were also important lessons learned. Having a mother who struggled financially motivated me to begin working at the ripe, old age of twelve and never stop. I was determined to work hard, have my own money and not be dependent upon anyone. It also motivated me to achieve in school so I could attend a good college and have a higher-paying career. Being the child of divorced parents taught me about relationships – what I wanted from them and more importantly, what I didn’t want. Having to move and uproot was painful, but it taught me how to adapt to new situations quickly, how to make new friends and how to adjust to new surroundings. I learned valuable coping skills that contributed to success in school and have been advantageous in the business world.
Lori S. Hultin: Comms and Marketing Services 