This weekend, my former writing instructor, Tod Goldberg, wrote a tribute to Adam Yauch of The Beastie Boys, who passed away last Friday. Tod wrote eloquently about what The Beasties’ music meant to him. One line of his tribute really stuck with me:
…you begin to recognize that the sadness you feel isn’t just about the loss of that person’s life, but also the recognition that who you were when you met that person is long gone, too.
This simple truth helped me understand why we can be so overwhelmed with sadness at the passing of someone we’ve never even met. After all, while we might feel like we knew Adam Yauch or Clarence Clemons or Whitney Houston or any of the countless others who we’ve lost recently through their public personas, most of us have never met, much less been a part of these people’s lives. What is it then, that causes the heart-wrenching void we feel when a favorite musician, actor, novelist or other public person dies?
As Tod so perfectly articulates, it’s the knowledge that who we once were, at a certain place, in a certain time, is gone forever. The young child, sitting in a mother’s lap, listening to a beloved story, the awkward pre-teen dressed to impress at a first dance, the college student, cramming for finals in a dorm room, the young parents trying to quiet a restless newborn in the wee hours of the morning. We recognize in the passing of the people who formed the backdrop to our lives that we can never again be who we were then – that a certain part of us has disappeared forever. It’s bittersweet, the acknowledgement that we’ve matured and grown, left behind pieces of ourselves in the process that only seem more dear to us with the passage of time. Through the faded lens of nostalgia, even the bad morphs into good and we long for the feeling of being in that place and time again.
The loss of who we were seems to hit especially hard at this time of year, with Spring turning into Summer, the time of graduations and moving on. At this time last year, I was planning my older daughter’s high school graduation. Amid the excitement of parties and celebrations and orientation for her new life on a university campus, came the sad acknowledgement that things in our house would never again be the same, that a special period in our lives was about to depart from us forever and that we would all be changed. Walking her new campus during orientation, I was struck with nostalgia for my own college days, so much so that even the tough times began to seem perfect and magical. It wasn’t simply my youth that I missed. It was the person I was in those days – the person I was before launching headlong into adulthood and the working world and before becoming a wife and mother. It was a time when I wasn’t even aware of all the milestones I was checking off – milestones I now realize are all in my rear-view mirror.
Ahead of me lies one daughter’s middle school graduation, the other daughter’s completion of her freshman year in college, our first summer without two children at home, and at the end of the year, a significant birthday that marks the passage of way more time than I’d like to admit. I don’t mean to seem so morose – I embrace the future and look forward to all that is new. But I can’t help missing those people, places and times now departed. Because after all, their loss means saying goodbye to who I was when I encountered them – a part of me that I have to let go.
4 thoughts on “Saying Goodbye to Who We Used to Be”
Ah, Lori. It just keeps getting better.
You had to let go of those times to be who you are now. If I look at a picture of you, me, Sam and Caitlin in TJ in the early 80’s, I can smile at the memory, but I don’t want to be that person again.
Once was fun, but I like who I am now.
Agreed, Dan. Not saying I’d go back, but just that sometimes that sadness we feel when someone leaves us is related to leaving a part of ourselves behind, hence the sadness. I sometimes miss who I was, but of course, I wouldn’t go back. Also, I’m a bit ahead of you with kids leaving home…I promise you, you’ll feel just a bit of wistfulness when they do, even if you’re excited for them and happy about moving forward.
That is one of the beautiful things about having children. You get to revisit the different stages of your life and the person you were then.
Music and the musicians who create it always remind me of my history and the people in my life during certain times, like my Depeche Mode period or my Garth Books phase.;)
Thanks, Brenna. Depeche Mode – made me laugh! Definitely an 80s music period in my past, as well.